Is being kind the same as being nice?

I am a fan of our provincial health officer, Dr. Bonnie Henry, here in BC. I have mentioned Dr. Henry before, and she even got a write-up in the New York Times back in June 2020 . Bonnie Henry’s mantra is ‘Be kind, be calm and be safe’ and it has been adopted by many all over Canada as well as in BC. In recent weeks I have been taking an online course on ‘Quiet Leadership’ by Julian Stodd from Sea Salt Learning, and one of the four pillars which Julian argues is necessary for successful ‘Quiet Leadership’ is kindness. I had not thought in too much depth about why Bonnie Henry used kindness back in March 2020 as the pandemic gripped our daily lives, but as I have tried to unpack what I see as good leadership I reflected more on the meaning of the word to be ‘kind’. 

In the past month I have been trying to fasten together many threads of the process of unpacking deep unhealthy layers of ingrained thought patterns. I have considered writing about expectations I/we have of people, I have considered writing about a year of solitary processing of what matters most to me, I have considered writing about how important it is to have personal boundaries and then most recently I have been thinking a lot about what being ‘nice’ actually means. The threads have come together this week under a question I find myself asking, is being kind the same as being nice?’.

Can you remember the first time as a child you were told to be ‘nice’ or to ‘play nice’? I never understood what it meant, but I did understand that if I was nice then somehow life was easier. I found myself believing that if I was nice to people I liked then they would be nice to me too and that made me feel loved. In the countries where I have spent the most time living, including Canada, being ‘nice’ is very much a part of the societal fabric. One is nice to people because that is seen as the right then to do. When I stop and ponder for a moment as to why I am being nice or why people around me are being nice, I realise that it is ultimately because they want something. Being nice made me feel wanted and loved because I was doing or saying things that others wanted from me. It is a shallow endeavour, a momentary high with, I would argue no essence or basis. If you look up ‘nice’ in the Oxford or Webster dictionary, you will see it defined as ‘polite’ or ‘agreeable’ or even ‘appropriate’! None of these of negative words, and indeed they are characteristics that we should certainly apply in our lives in the right contexts or moments. My point is that being ‘nice’ will never make you happy – or at least that is what I have learned. I want to be kind…

Why? Because kindness starts from within ourselves. We can only truly be kind to others when we are being kind to ourselves, because kindness is done without motive and without expectation. At least in how I understand it. Kindness goes deep beneath the surface digging deep into the essence of who we are and want to be, leaving ‘nice’ to contend with the surface. Kindness is a state of being, it is not a momentary action.

I have stopped being ‘nice’. Like Maria Kondo’s philosophy on homes, I apply the same ‘they don’t bring me joy’ to people and situations. I have stopped being nice in order to feel good about me. Instead I foster kindness in my life starting with myself. Being kind to oneself is truly the best gift you can give to yourself. It teaches you to stop, reflect and then embody what makes you feel good. It is about truly knowing your abilities, but also very importantly your limits. Being kind to oneself shines a light on the personal boundary around you so that others respect what you can and cannot give to them, and in turn you learn the same of others. Being kind to oneself means that you can be kind to others. Look up the meaning of ‘kind’ and it is defined as ‘gentle’, ‘helpful’ ‘caring’. I like the sound of these adjectives. I want more of this in the world I live in. Kindness for me has meant more time alone – no not just because of Covid – but because I need that time for me. Being kind has taught me to listen to myself and therefore to others. Being kind has taught me to be truly happy for a friend without wishing the same or similar for myself. Being kind has brought me space. Being kind has brought me joy. I am far from perfect! I hope never to be perfect as perfection is static and cold. All I know is how I feel and I like it. I cannot say with certainty if Bonnie Henry and I have the same understanding of ‘kind’ but if we do we need more quiet leaders like her.

I was recently introduced to this verse of lyrics from the song ‘Be more kind’ by the British singer Frank Turner, and the verse really resonated with me. Here is a link to a full video of the song.

“So before you go out searching
Don't decide what you will find
Be more kind, my friends
Try to be more kind”

Frank Turner