Life as a tree

The past ten days or so have been tough, and I have found myself struggling to find my footing in the midst of so much ambiguity. Maybe this time of year will always pose a challenge as I reflect on six years since the formidable human who was jo departed. I keep thinking about what interesting discussions her and I would have about the state of affairs in the midst of the global pandemic, but alas the conversation will forever remain one-sided. I have attempted to convey this past year how privileged I have felt to live where I do, and despite the many restrictions and the inability to see family and friends, I have managed to create a ‘covid life’ filled with phaenomena which bring me joy. 

The past ten days have pushed the boundaries the calmness I have created for myself in recent years, but discomfort is not necessarily a negative state. My discomfort stems from being intensely aware of other peoples’ behaviour around the pandemic, and their lack of regard for others. But my discomfort is also because I am working through my own internal debate – a debate surrounding having a strong sense of ‘self’. As I process this week I see the two situations as inherently linked. I began to think of myself as a tree a little over a week ago (you may laugh but trees are incredible symbols of life), a tree with many branches representing the many roles and obligations I have felt in my life. As I struggled to calm the frustration associated with others’ behaviour I turned to drawing to try to work through my thoughts. I am in no way a good artist in the conventional sense, but I love colours and I thrive on creating visualisations of narratives in my mind. I thought that I would share my internal debate with my blog audience in the form of a visual narrative.

Let me begin by providing some context: I have been working with an incredible counsellor for a number of years now as I discard the layers of weight I have accumulated and carried for too long. I cannot emphasis enough the importance of mental health and how grateful I am to have found myself in a society which at least does not shame the need for support. There is a push here for mental health therapy to be incorporated into our public healthcare system, but I digress…The pandemic has given me a lot of thinking space, and I have found myself returning to the question of ‘what do I want to be when I grow up?’! You may laugh given my current successful academic career, but I have always thought of myself as an ‘accidental academic’, which always produces a laugh when used in academic presentation contexts. Anyways, I took the leap and hired a career coach in late January. It has been an incredible experience to say the least talking through my skills, my ambitions and dreaming of possibilities. My coach assigns homework! And this month I am tasked with trying to define my professional identity, to expose what is ‘accidental’ about being a tenured faculty member at a great university. 

 

 

 

The rootless tree with energy all flowing outwards

And so I am a tree:

This is the tree I have been most of my life. I have felt rootless. I have felt that the lightest breeze would topple me. My trunk has always been strong, I am a strong being but I have given away that strength. I have channelled my energy into my branches, each of which represents an expectation of me – either embodied in a person or a societal expectation. Who I am has been framed by trying to find it through my different relationships - a daughter, a sister, a granddaughter, a niece, a friend, a student, a teacher, a partner, an academic. I did not exist if I was not playing each of these roles to the best of my ability, giving all that I could give, channelling that energy. Now I must be clear that we of course have many different roles in our lives, and all of them are a part of who we are as a person, but my sense of self was obscured by the weight of these branches. I was afraid of the dark until very recently, I was afraid of being alone in the dark, I was afraid that without the light I wasn’t being something to someone - that I did not exist. 

 

 

 

Deep rooted tree, able to sustain itself and the relationships which surround it

 

Growing roots:

The past few years have been about allowing my roots to take hold. It is not about the where, although I admit I do love living in Vancouver, but rather it has been about me forming the best relationship we can possibly have in our life – the relationship we have with ourselves. It sounds selfish doesn’t it? I certain struggle with the idea that I am being selfish and egocentric if I focus my energy on me, but then I reflect on how it makes me feel and how it enables me to be a better person in all of my relationships. It is about the kindness I wrote about in my last post, it is about my blog entry in September on blooming in BC, it is about life as a trampoline where we have no control. It is that word ‘control’. The beauty of developing a sense of self, at least for me, is that I have learned to stop basing my worth on what people in my life think of me. I am not constantly trying to meet expectations I have constructed, and I try to let go of expectations of others. I reiterate that in striving to uncover a better sense of self I have learned to accept people for who they are, and not what they ‘give’ me. 

 

 

 

Autonomous trees with shared roots generates accountability to one another

 

Our autonomous roots:

I had a conversation with a UBC colleague this morning which enabled me to vocalise and put a positive spin on my frustration with peoples’ pandemic behaviour – I use the word autonomy. In a society where we provide people with the framework to develop a stronger sense of self (not to be equated with individualism), we give them the ability to truly reflect on what role they play and what their responsibilities are. Let me put it in ‘teaching’ terms as that is the framing I was using: if we continue to design education in the industrial revolution mentality of memorisation, regurgitation and a linear process, we are creating people who will only respond to authority. If instead we attempt to provide students with the tools of self-discovery and active learning, we create people who are critical thinkers and who want to problem solve. To put it simply I say, ‘what do you do when no one is watching?’! Do you have a sense of responsibility or are you simply waiting for the next ‘instruction’? As we develop a better understanding of our sense of self I believe we allow our roots to grow strong and the trees that we are to thrive. In doing so we will connect with others and be able to be stronger and more accountable to everyone. I absolutely do not have all the answers as I am still figuring it all out, but I do know that the greatest gift I have given myself in recent times in the gift of my own friendship. I continue to journey, discover and accept that the only control I have in my life is over my own behaviour.          

  

Is being kind the same as being nice?

I am a fan of our provincial health officer, Dr. Bonnie Henry, here in BC. I have mentioned Dr. Henry before, and she even got a write-up in the New York Times back in June 2020 . Bonnie Henry’s mantra is ‘Be kind, be calm and be safe’ and it has been adopted by many all over Canada as well as in BC. In recent weeks I have been taking an online course on ‘Quiet Leadership’ by Julian Stodd from Sea Salt Learning, and one of the four pillars which Julian argues is necessary for successful ‘Quiet Leadership’ is kindness. I had not thought in too much depth about why Bonnie Henry used kindness back in March 2020 as the pandemic gripped our daily lives, but as I have tried to unpack what I see as good leadership I reflected more on the meaning of the word to be ‘kind’. 

In the past month I have been trying to fasten together many threads of the process of unpacking deep unhealthy layers of ingrained thought patterns. I have considered writing about expectations I/we have of people, I have considered writing about a year of solitary processing of what matters most to me, I have considered writing about how important it is to have personal boundaries and then most recently I have been thinking a lot about what being ‘nice’ actually means. The threads have come together this week under a question I find myself asking, is being kind the same as being nice?’.

Can you remember the first time as a child you were told to be ‘nice’ or to ‘play nice’? I never understood what it meant, but I did understand that if I was nice then somehow life was easier. I found myself believing that if I was nice to people I liked then they would be nice to me too and that made me feel loved. In the countries where I have spent the most time living, including Canada, being ‘nice’ is very much a part of the societal fabric. One is nice to people because that is seen as the right then to do. When I stop and ponder for a moment as to why I am being nice or why people around me are being nice, I realise that it is ultimately because they want something. Being nice made me feel wanted and loved because I was doing or saying things that others wanted from me. It is a shallow endeavour, a momentary high with, I would argue no essence or basis. If you look up ‘nice’ in the Oxford or Webster dictionary, you will see it defined as ‘polite’ or ‘agreeable’ or even ‘appropriate’! None of these of negative words, and indeed they are characteristics that we should certainly apply in our lives in the right contexts or moments. My point is that being ‘nice’ will never make you happy – or at least that is what I have learned. I want to be kind…

Why? Because kindness starts from within ourselves. We can only truly be kind to others when we are being kind to ourselves, because kindness is done without motive and without expectation. At least in how I understand it. Kindness goes deep beneath the surface digging deep into the essence of who we are and want to be, leaving ‘nice’ to contend with the surface. Kindness is a state of being, it is not a momentary action.

I have stopped being ‘nice’. Like Maria Kondo’s philosophy on homes, I apply the same ‘they don’t bring me joy’ to people and situations. I have stopped being nice in order to feel good about me. Instead I foster kindness in my life starting with myself. Being kind to oneself is truly the best gift you can give to yourself. It teaches you to stop, reflect and then embody what makes you feel good. It is about truly knowing your abilities, but also very importantly your limits. Being kind to oneself shines a light on the personal boundary around you so that others respect what you can and cannot give to them, and in turn you learn the same of others. Being kind to oneself means that you can be kind to others. Look up the meaning of ‘kind’ and it is defined as ‘gentle’, ‘helpful’ ‘caring’. I like the sound of these adjectives. I want more of this in the world I live in. Kindness for me has meant more time alone – no not just because of Covid – but because I need that time for me. Being kind has taught me to listen to myself and therefore to others. Being kind has taught me to be truly happy for a friend without wishing the same or similar for myself. Being kind has brought me space. Being kind has brought me joy. I am far from perfect! I hope never to be perfect as perfection is static and cold. All I know is how I feel and I like it. I cannot say with certainty if Bonnie Henry and I have the same understanding of ‘kind’ but if we do we need more quiet leaders like her.

I was recently introduced to this verse of lyrics from the song ‘Be more kind’ by the British singer Frank Turner, and the verse really resonated with me. Here is a link to a full video of the song.

“So before you go out searching
Don't decide what you will find
Be more kind, my friends
Try to be more kind”

Frank Turner

How Amazon got me thinking…

I have written about Amazon recently in light of the pandemic and how workers are/were being treated. As many of you know I do everything in my power to avoid Amazon products. In the past few days Amazon has been the topic of conversation with three different friends in Vancouver, and my advocating for avoidance of the company. I thrive on debating these social issues and thinking through how we might try to foster the sense of hope which I believe keeps us going as a species. The debates with my friends focused on the fact that true change will only come if there is real buy-in from both governmental institutions as well as consumers. I maintain that as consumers we always have a choice, but I admit that that choice is not always coming from an equal platform. I am privileged, I have the opportunity to choose not to use Amazon services because I can afford to do so both financially and in terms of time. This is a privilege that many others do not have. People need good leadership and motivation to make conscious choices and we have had a period of forty years of a lot of bad leadership and greed driven politics. Would it not be wonderful if everyone decided tomorrow to boycott Amazon, Walmart and all the other corporations which manipulate us as consumers offering us the lowest prices at the cost of millions of workers around the world? Why can we not demand that our governments force corporations to pay taxes? Think of the wealth that would be generated if the wealthiest individuals in the world were paying their fair share. Let us advocate for social capitalism where we all have the opportunity to work to make our own profit, and where the social and political institutions are accountable to us. It all seems so simple, does it not? Of course it is not! For one, as I said I am a privileged individual starting on a playing field that others do not have. You take away the factory jobs in India, China and Brazil and you force millions of people into poverty because the job as bad as it is, gives them money to put food on the table. Our governments are funded by big businesses in their quest for power and so a conflict of interest arises. In looking back at changes in my life time, I see a turning point in the 80s where Thatcher and Reagan led governments made an active choice to devalue people, and prioritise business. We have had our voices quashed by the weight of big business forcing us into lives where our main aim is not happiness but survival. How in this context can you ask someone to put their morals before their daily bread? This morning one of my friends asked me so what is the solution, and I said out loud “I don’t know”. 

I will admit that for much of my life I have what some might call a self-righteous attitude, that I had figured out what the best course of action is and if only people would listen to me. I have not always been a good listener, focusing more on my experience and what I bring to the table. It has taken a lot of work to admit this out loud to myself, accepting that I do not have all the answers and that that is okay. I know I am not alone in this. I see my students struggling to give me an answer rather than simply saying that they do not understand. I have heard myself in times gone by spawning ideas out loud merely to avoid saying I do not know. Is it a form of shame? Possibly. I see it more as a fear of vulnerability, and I have written on this before. As a woman who prides myself on my independence and passion it is especially hard to concede to vulnerability as it is often equated with weakness. Society has also taught me that as a woman my deep desires, if they do not conform to what conventions want of me, are weird and that I am just being ‘dramatic’ if I vocalize them. What has this got to do with Amazon? Well, my conversations this past weekend and my admittance of not having the solutions got me thinking about what would happen if we all came to the table admitting that we do not have the solution, but that we are willing to work together to find one. We come to the table bringing with us our experience and skills, but knowing that it will be part of the solution and not the only way. Am I an idealist? Possibly, but I will remain a hopeful person because I believe in humanity. I continue to strive to listen and hear others’ voices then offering my own thoughts, not as fact but as part of a puzzle, because the only way forward is to communicate thoughts honestly. For those of us who have the privilege and the platform let us use it to voice our honesty openly and without fear. We will be judged, that cannot be avoided, but as Amanda Gorman says in her poem ‘The Hill We Climb’, “We’ve learned that quiet isn’t always peace”. 

In the spirit of honesty and vulnerability I share my own inner thoughts this January evening: I am consumed by loneliness. I wrote my gratitude blog at the end of December, all of which remains true and I remain grateful for it all. I have strived to foster such positivity in my life in the past two years given much heaviness in prior times. I have put a smile on my face over the past few weeks with friends and colleagues as I know positivity reflects positivity. But I know also how important it is to be honest, open and vulnerable, and so I admit the deep overwhelming loneliness. I am sure many of your feel it whether you live alone or not as we are cut off from so many and so much we know, and without an end in sight to the pandemic. I admitted my loneliness earlier today on the phone to my father, and admitting it out loud gave me the permission to grieve it. After the call, I cried for a couple of hours accepting I do not know what tomorrow brings, but accepting that I will be okay. If you see my admittance of loneliness and tears here as a weakening of myself, I would ask you to reflect back on yourself as to why you think that of me. 

 

A final thought: I was reading back over my first blog entry from 2020 prior to writing this one tonight and I was struck by the last paragraph of the entry – see below. Who knew what a transformational year 2020 would be… We continue our pandemic journey into 2021 as the virus knows no national not temporal boundaries. I leave you with my final paragraph from my first entry of 2020 as a hope for your 2021. 

"2020 is the year of transformation, the world will never be the same as before. We have reached Malcolm Gladwell’s tipping point, we have found ourselves in a polarized world where the people at the helm are determined to run us off the edge, but there is hope There is always hope because we are humans and we are incredible. There is pain and devastation, but more importantly there is resistance and kindness. 2020 then is about transformation. This transformation is first and foremost individual, and I urge all of you to think of what is holding you back in your life and promise yourself to try and address it – trust me it will set you free."

 

As it is the beginning of the year I will again do a check-in: if you no longer wish to be included on my blog please just send me a message and I will remove you from the automated list.