Accountability and not going gently into the good night…

I am on countdown to arrival of the tiny human. As Pete keeps saying it could be 10 minutes, 10 hours or three days, but the excitement and anticipation grows. I have thought a lot over the past few months of putting ‘pen to paper’ to express the mixture of emotions of bringing a human into a world that at times feels overwhelmingly dark, and yet I know there is so much beauty to be had. In working through some of the heaviness of life at times in my own journey over the past few years, I have come to the point where I see the beauty of life as being about curiosity and all the possibilities of the unknown. An openness to being curious and embracing new experiences and realities as they appear or unfold truly is what gives life its sweetness. A year ago this weekend, I cycled to Squamish from Vancouver – a 145km round trip on a very busy if beautiful highway along the Pacific Coast between Vancouver and Whistler. It was a challenge with moments of hesitation and then it was the sense of achievement and the possibility of the next adventure. Today I sit anticipating the arrival of my son, a moment a year ago on that ride which would have seemed an impossibility and yet here we are – that is the beauty.

I have been asked by different people over the course of the past few months if I am ready and prepared for motherhood. I have thought long and hard about this and all I can say is I have all the information and support I could possibility need, but the rest of it will unfold one day at a time as long as I remain curious and open to the experience. Besides, the sense of curiosity that a child brings to the world as they discover life’s complexity, is pure joy to observe. I am open to making mistakes and not knowing all the answers all the time – anything else would make me arrogant about an adventure I have not yet taken. I used to think that I had all the answers, that I could change the world if people just listened – I was naïve. Not only naïve but also missing out on the simple pleasure of saying, “I don’t know and that is ok”.

That said, there is one lesson I know for certain I will teach my son and make sure we embody the lesson as a family always, and that is the lesson of accountability and self-respect. My mum used to often talk about the lack of accountability in the world, and how people behaved in ways that impinged on the emotional well-being and sense of space/boundaries of others. I believe I now have a sense of what she meant although of course it is my lived-experience and interpretation. I see accountability as being part in parcel with a deep sense of self-respect. Ultimately it is about asking oneself of the question of: “how do I behave when no one is watching?” If one’s behaviour changes little between when they are surrounded by family, friends, acquaintances, colleagues, strangers, and when they are alone ‘looking in the mirror’ then I maintain that they can safely say they have a good level of accountability based on a foundation of self-respect. In the end the only person one needs to be answerable to is themselves as everything else is a performance to please others’ expectations. In my own journey of developing a good sense of self-respect (and I certainly have lots more learning to do) I have learned that as I develop more self-respect, I have a deep desire to respect those around me and hold myself accountable in treating them with the respect they treat me with. Here is the flaw, and the second part of the title of my blog. We can strive to live our lives working on self-respect and holding ourselves accountable, but the trick is that it is a journey all must embark on individually and of their own choosing. As an educator I know I cannot convince someone that this is the best road/process to take/engage in – all I can do is share my experience and share the tools which worked for me.

For the past six months I have been experiencing horrendous work-place bullying. I did experience some bullying in boarding school in Ireland when I was 16-18, and have worked with difficult people in different contexts around the world, but never have I been subjected to the treatment I had to deal with on an almost daily basis since the middle of February. This too at a time when I was at my most vulnerable physically as I strived to maintain a healthy pregnancy. The perpetrators were colleagues in leadership positions with whom I was supposed to be on a team striving to improve our institution for all colleagues and students. I have been insulted, mocked and accused of lying. All of which over time grated away at my self-respect and made me feel that I was at fault, that I was not being accountable to the work I was doing or the office I was in. I had weeks of sleepless nights. I carried a heavy load on my shoulders. I searched for even the simple joys in my work on some days. I brought stress home with me. I then snapped – in a good way…

I reached out. I sought the support I needed. I acknowledged that I cannot change the world on my own. I talked to Pete. I talked to my support network and sought support from trusted colleagues. I accepted that I was being targeted and not because of anything I had done wrong but because others are framed/driven not by self-respect but by insecurity and a putrid sense of ego. I often joke that those of us in academia are ‘egomaniacs’ spending our entire careers working on problems/ideas of our own choosing. I had naively hoped that in leadership there was more accountability – I was wrong. I turned to Pete just over a week ago after a long process of thinking, unpacking and talking it out with my different supports, and said, “they f**ked with the wrong person” – Pete smiled and said, “you’re going to be just fine”. That’s the truth – I will be just fine. They did however f**k with the wrong person and I am seeking my accountability, because anything else would be disrespecting myself. I will not “go gentle into that good night” (Dylan Thomas 1952).

So, for my son I strive to be open and curious about being a mother/parent, but I will teach him self-respect and accountability because that is where true beauty lies.   

Dear mum, it's a little miricle...

Dear mum,

 

I’m pregnant! At the worldly age of 42 I conceived, a gift and a miracle indeed. I find myself at 6 months pregnant reflecting on the fact that it has been 7 years since our last conversation. I know I have ‘told’ you many times in the past months about this amazing phenomenon which was happening to me, but nothing will ever equal what it would have like to tell you face-to-face. I hence turn to a love we shared, the love of writing, to attempt to put into words this moment and what it means to me.

 

You know my struggles with my health and how worried I was about my body and how it was ‘failing me’. You said to me on several occasion, “don’t worry Siobh, we’ll figure it out”. That was the way it had always been that you would be there to help me work it out or to fix it for me. Somehow over the past 7 years I have had to find a way to do that for myself – it’s not been easy that is certain, but I find myself in a place in my life where I have the confidence and the tools to deal with the roller-coaster of life. In that journey I made peace with the probability that I could ‘mother’ others and that I have so much to offer to people around me in how I could support and empower them.

 

Then on Christmas Eve in 2021 there came a moment where I had to choose between taking a pregnancy test or a covid test – I chose the pregnancy test. You would laugh mum at the story of how I came to know I was growing a human. I had to take three tests just to confirm I was not imagining it, especially as the first one I had in the bathroom had expired two years ago! Little did I know there are no ‘false positives’, but I was in disbelief. Calling Pete on the phone as he was away visiting family did not change my disbelief, but his reaction of pure joy made its way down the phone and encircled me. You would have been the next person I called, to hear the excitement in your voice would have been a gift, but I close my eyes now and I hear and feel it.

 

You had such a love of children and the pure simple joy they bring into one’s life. It was a trait I always admired in you – how you just ‘joined’ in with a group of children as if their age and yours were of no consequence. I know you longed to be a primary school teacher, but I wonder if anything would have gotten done, it would have been so full of fun and play. I adore the little people in my life, and yet I always sensed I may not embody your pure gift of all children. For me the whole notion having a child lay with who my co-parent might be. I found him and the greatest gift is that he is a soul you knew and loved because you saw how he saw me. It is the most interesting feeling to have a person truly ‘see you’, it brings such a sense of safety and calm. You gave me that feeling of being seen (maybe all mothers do – I’ll soon find out), and Pete gives me the same feeling albeit in a different way. His pure joy and excitement on the phone when I told him, and over the past few months as we have navigated the various steps of pregnancy have brought me so much peace.

 

You are going to have a grandson, to accompany the extraordinary granddaughter you already have. These little people already embody and will embody all the beauty and wonder you saw in the world and brought into your children’s lives. You taught me the wonder of life’s narrative and it is a lesson I carry with me every day. There are always moments, of hurt, pain, difficulty, but there are also moment of incredible beauty and wonder – after all it is all part of the narrative of life.   

 

I hope I can be as amazing a mother to this little one as you were to me. It brings me such simple pleasure to have this avenue to share with you and others the wonderful experience of growing a human life.