Time is a concept that is central to my
discipline of Geography and of course also other social sciences and natural
sciences, but it is a concept that I think as humans we find incredibly difficult to
grasp. We set our alarms, we celebrate birthdays, we talk about how long we’ve
known each other, we make a monthly/yearly/5-year plan, we use a deluge of
language associated with time (we even have a ‘science’ Horology of measuring
time), but ultimately time passes and we have absolutely no control over this phenomenon.
This fact has shaped us for centuries as some try and instill a legacy that
will outlive them. Some have explored controlling time through writing and film
and the idea of eternity or time travel. Yet still time outwits us as it keeps
on moving.
The ultimate freedom is acknowledging that
fearing or trying to control the passage of time is fruitless. There is of course
great pleasure in time as we see a goal accomplished that we have persevered
with, as we watch children flourish, as we get into bed at night knowing there
are eight blissful hours of sleep ahead. The ultimate freedom then is to realize
that life happens in a moment and that moment is now – the present, not
tomorrow and certainly not holding onto some distant memory of how things were.
As I sit in my favourite UBC coffee-shop
window enjoying my coffee and oatmeal post-swim, I am struck by how little
seemed to have changed in my immediate surrounding despite the fact I have not
sat here for over five weeks. Two specific occurrences strike me as I sit in
the sunshine admiring the view – the first is the tragedy unfolding in Malaysia
around the teenager Nora and the second is my own recent travels and return to
Vancouver. I won’t go into detail of Nora’s story as I am sure many of you will
have been following it, but as I swam this morning I cried thinking of her
parents and the thoughts and pain they must be going through – What if? If only
we had? Why us? I cannot imagine what they are going through, but for me it triggered
the concept of time and how so often we focus on what if I had done this or not
done that would then result have been different? And unfortunately, that is the
bitter truth of life, we just cannot ever answer the ‘what if’ and accepting that
is a huge beginning in the healing process of pain.
I mentioned my own recent trip and return to
Vancouver just over a week ago as also making me focus on the concept of time.
In reflecting more on my journey and emotions on returning, I am overcome with
the realization that I was culpable of trying to manipulate time through my
physical journey. I want you all to comprehend, especially those of you with
whom I spent such an incredible time, that this does not negate my trip rather I
am trying to see it as healing that I can now acknowledge some of its purpose
which simply could never be possible. In travelling to see so many people and
places with whom and where I have spent so much time, I was in a sense both
trying to change the past but ultimately I realize let it go, and this second
part is healthy and important. If you have been following since I began writing
my blog again in February you will know that life has not always been kind over
the past eight years since my accident, resulting concussion then followed by facing
true grief and various logistical dilemmas. These realities are just that
realities of life, and were essentially not the true pain; rather the pain
stems from the acute resulting fear it awoke in me. Fear was not born of this
time period as it existed in me already, rather my focus on trying to control
time and obsession on both ‘what if’, ‘if only’ and grasping at a future I
thought I could predict - consumed me. As I sat with wonderful friends and
family, and wandered through familiar streets and places last month, I was
looking for some kind of validation that I was forgiven and that time would
somehow be kind to me again. It is a thought-provoking return to the blog post
I wrote in Heathrow airport as I began my physical trip at the start of July
and how in that post I focused on travelling not necessarily as only physical,
but also as spiritual and emotional – in a conversation with someone a few days
ago we talked about the multidimensionality of time in terms of how it lives in
memories which are therefore triggered when we find ourselves in familiar
places or with people we have not seen in some time. For brief moments in my
physical journey in July and for a lot of the past week back in Vancouver, I
neglected the most important lesson that life has taught me in recent times,
that there is only ‘right now’ and that only I am responsible for how I choose
to approach and use right now. Sometimes ‘right now’ is painful and sometimes
it is wonderful, but mostly it just is how we choose to be in the world and
hope that it is always the best possible version of ourselves. To me this best
possible version of ourselves stems from embodying empathy and acknowledging
that every single person around us struggles with the same realities of daily moments
and the ultimate passing of time.
Consequently, trying to control or
manipulate time is futile. All that we can do with time is be in it, but also absorb
lessons from its passing. The greatest tragedy we face as humans is that is
spend too much focusing on ‘what if’ and ‘if only’ as well as this notion that ‘tomorrow
will be better’. For centuries we have continued to repeat the same mistakes because
we do not learn from the passing of time but continue to try to control it. Do
not fear the passing of time rather embrace it, but ultimately see it as the process
that it is, be open to the lessons that it teaches us and bare its scars not as
painful reminders but as gentle souvenirs that you survived and will continue to
grow. Jo used to say to me “Siobh don’t carry the weight of the world on your
shoulders”, I now think I truly understand what she was trying to say to me and
maybe even to herself, that what is done is done but the present is here and
full of possibilities. I played Scrooge once in my Tunisian American high
school’s production of a Christmas carol, and I am struck in this moment of understanding
the shackles that carrying the weight of time’s baggage can have. My dad often says
“life is not easy, but it is always worthwhile”, and I agree but would add it
is only worthwhile if we learn from the process of the passing of time.
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| I was walking on Kits beach in Vancouver on Friday and was struck by the beauty of this plant growing out of a cement brick - to me it embodies both the power of nature and hope for change today not tomorrow |
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Kayx
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