Life after a Permian year

The O'Brien's made it to Astoria!

Astoria on the Pacific Coast

New Year sparklers 

There were moments in 2015 when I thought the pain would consume me, it was so unbearable to think that I had to carry on after such grief. Yet here I am with the first week of 2016 behind me and while my wounds are still open, time has eased the constant throbbing to a dull ache. I started a poem in mid-November entitled 'What is in a date' - I have yet to finish it but the sentiment remains strong in my mind. Whether it is a birthday or a religious holiday we hold such significance in dates simple numbers made so important through our own constructs. But as 2015 drew to a close I felt a sense of relief at the prospect of a new year.

Beauty of the Cascadia mountains as we headed back to Vancouver

The ending of 2015 was most certainly a journey and a wonderful one at that - one which made me stop and extract the elements of good which had pocketed the year. Despite an atrociously short break from teaching at UBC I was determined to accomplish as much as I could in the 10 days I had off. It was a wonderful combination of going to bed knowing I didn't have to wake up and run out the door, and head clearing activities including yoga, meditation and spending quality time with friends. My father Don arrived on the 23rd to spend 5 days with us; it had been an age since we had been in he same city for Christmas. We dragged him along to all our social events which he embraced and fit right in amongst all the 30 something year olds. Christmas Day was a strange one, a sense of I shouldn't be here, it wasn't supposed to be like this; but it was a lovely day in the company of family and good friends. I cooked a turkey for the second time in 4 weeks (Pete's parents Margaret and Paul had come up to see us for Thanksgiving) and from the demands for seconds I think I accomplished the objective of providing good food. The 26th was spent eating more delicious food in Richmond with my cousins, and so twas certainly the season of eating.
As some of you know Pete and took a leap and bought a car in early December and of course a new car warrants a road trip. So on the morning of the 28th we packed up the car, waved adieu to my dad and hit the road headed south and 'freedom'. There is nothing quite like a long road journey in a really comfortable car with one's favourite company and abundance of food and entertainment. We stopped for picnics in various towns and to take pictures of the wonders of the Oregon coast, but the best part of the trip was the driving. As the winter sun wained at 4pm every day the wind and rain would batter the coast road but the setting was perfect for the ghostly podcast we were enthralled with. We stayed a night in the northern town of Astoria in the basement of a victorian house set on a hillside on the edge of the coniferous forest. The second night was spent in Eugene where Pete spent his undergraduate degree and I was privy to his 20-somthing memories. As 2015 drew to a close we headed for Portland to spend the new year with Pete's family. They were days filled with children's laughter and the innocence of recollection through intricately woven stories where reality and fiction merged. All too swiftly it was time to head for the 49th parallel and back to the routines of work.
As we drove back through the beauty of the Cascades gazing on the tightness of Mount Saint Helens and the wonder of Mount Baker I reflected on what 2015 had meant to me and what 2016 will bring. I cannot deny that 2015 brought me a pain that I will never be able to articulate though I may try in countless poems and narratives, but as I battled starkness of the arid tundra there had been moments of promise. These moments were based on relationships and those around me who had held me up in my darkest moments. For so many years I had prided myself on showing no fragility, asking for no help, owing no one anything; well I relied on one, one who I could call on no matter the hour. It was a turmoil of running in a dark room subconsciously searching for the voice of reason but to no end. As the year progressed and the jungle of tasks set before Dara and I began to clear, I wondered at the generousity of so many - my maternal family through their own pain provided so much. Messages of support from all corners of the earth and friends who were always there at the other end of Skype or the phone. A father whose narratives these past eight months have brought great comfort and opened up a whole new dimension to our relationship. As the year struggled on I also battled an uphill battle with my body but one which I have begun to win - I have reached the plateau and the peak of health is within my grasp.
There has been one who has been there beside me at the darkest hours, has given so much of himself to make my days lighter, has smiled lovingly back at me despite my icy heart on those desperate days. I may have lost my light in the dark room of life's complexity but after this year I realise I now have a hand holding mine no matter what the day may bring.