I do not think I ever took dating seriously.
Maybe the whole notion of ‘dating’ is very North American, or maybe I just
never really thought about it in those terms. Do not misunderstand me there
were always men in my life, I just never felt like I was actively seeking them
out or maybe that was the excuse I told myself. Some lasted a few weeks and
some a few months but nothing stuck. I now have a deeper understanding of why
this was the case; looking back over my blog entries over the past year will
give you a good sense of some the inhibitions I have uncovered. The discussion
here is not meant to focus on any of my inhibitions, but rather to share my experience
of dating at age 40, and in a sense feeling like I am dating for the first time
in my life. Dating is a label, it is something people actively do mainly because
they seeking a life partner/companion or because they want someone to have
children with, or indeed for some it is both. I had always thought of ‘dating’
or in my mind finding someone I could tolerate enough to want to spend my life
with, was something that would just happen if I lived my life doing the things
that I enjoyed doing. Maybe I have watched too many romantic movies or maybe I
just have an old school view of how life and love happen; to me it is organic.
Yet there I was approaching the end of 2019
with a growing sense that if I did not participate in the dating phenomenon I
was going to find myself ‘alone’, ‘unloved’ and isolated from the ability to do
anything social! I am not exaggerating, we live in a world where if you are
single past a certain age (especially for women) travelling is more expensive,
people are afraid to invite you to couples events and people with children suddenly
feel they have nothing in common with you anymore because ‘you just don’t get
it’. I am beginning to sound a little like Bridget Jones at her worst! Anyways,
whether it was social pressure or my own broken heart, I embarked on the venture
of online dating in Vancouver.
An article I read recently carried out by
the Sunday Times in the UK actually claims that 56% of people between the ages
of 35 and 60 use online dating apps as their way of meeting people. I am sure
it is much higher for the under 35s as I can barely get my students to disengage
from their cell phones and laptops, but I’m amazed by us over 35ers. There is
an app for every social or physical desire it would seem. Many of you may know
the app Tinder as being one of the original more widespread apps. Then there is
Bumble which puts the ‘power’ in the hands of the women to make the first move.
Bumble also has a BFF option where you meet people you just want to be platonic
friends with, and a Bumble Business where you can connect with others to
explore business opportunities – I know it is astounding! Then there is OkCupid
where you can write essays describing yourself, your likes/dislikes and what
you are looking for in a partner; OkCupid also has a bank of over 500 questions
which you can answer in order to ‘better’ match with potential dates. Some of
the questions leave one wondering if any of us are sane at all, my favourites
being “Do you enjoy racist jokes” or “Do you believe women should stay at home”!
These are the three apps I tried out at different stages over November, December
and January resulting in a range of results including some rather disturbing
online interactions and a few relatively normal coffee chats. I want to look at
three phenomena in particular: the swipe, ghosting and male profiles.
Whether or not you have ever used a dating
app I am sure you are aware of the phenomenon of the swipe – right if you ‘like’
the profile you see or left if you wish to ‘pass’. It truly feels like online
shopping where I am looking at a nice pair of jeans and deciding what colour I
might like! I thought a lot about how I can present myself in 400-characters on
Bumble or Tinder, and slightly more on OkCupid. It is a really tough task,
think about it do you know in 1-3 minutes when you meet someone that you want
to be friends with them, never mind more?! As I spent hours swiping left I too
was engaging in the same behaviour, deciding if someone was worth my time based
on a few simple sentences and some bad photographs. I have heard advocates on
online dating and researchers say that online dating actually opens up our
dating pool and we can really find people that we have so much in common with.
This may be true and as times goes on maybe I may start to see it like this.
For the moment it still feels like buying a pair of jeans online…
Ghosting…the absolute worst behaviour anyone
can do when interacting in the online scene. For those of you who have not
heard the term it is essentially when you start chatting with someone, it seems
to be going fairly reasonably and then suddenly they disappear. Even worse is
when you meet them once and it seems to go well and then you never hear from
them again! I am not alone in any of these experiences, and so I know it says
more about the other person, but it is rude and hurtful. The motivation for
ghosting varies from person to person but at the root of it all I sense the
fact that we live in a world where we are inundated with choice. There is
nothing wrong with having the desire to have a choice or most importantly for
me to have the freedom and the knowledge to make an informed choice; but too
much of anything just means we spend more time focuses on what we think we are
missing and not ultimately on the joy of having made a choice and seeing where
it goes. Bottom line just say, “I have enjoyed chatting with you, but I am not
interested!”
The male online profile…where to begin… Somewhere
someone is actually doing research on online dating profiles, I did a google
search and found the evidence! More than 80% of people lie online about their
physical appearance and men spend 50% less time reading the profiles than women.
I have experienced both of these! Showing up to meet someone and he is definitely
not 6 feet! Having a man ask me a question that is clearly stated in my
profile. The main observation I have about the online profiles I read is that
90% of them sound exactly the same: they like to travel, they like good food,
they like movies and books, they are looking for their best friend to watch
Netflix with, they want a woman to make them laugh and who is laid back. I
could go on but you get the picture: generic. I begin to wonder if it is me…
It is definitely me, but I will not apologize
as I have spent my life looking for the extraordinary in the everyday - I found
it that extraordinary, but it eluded me. I deleted the apps at the end of
January as I found myself wasting evenings sitting on the couch swiping left.
It may be the better way to meet a diverse bunch of people, but in this moment
for me I have enjoyed the narrative and there it will end.
I have been composing this entry for weeks
but it finally came exist in words on paper just over the past few days on a
plane to Miami, and now sitting on a balcony overlooking Ocean Drive in Miami
Beach. More on that in my next blog when I will have left 40 behind me.
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